It took me three long months to finally get back. Too many things happening. In fact, I am still in shock. Some things caught me off guard. I guess I broke one of my own established rules: I've gotten too comfortable I forgot to keep my guard up. Big mistake. They took advantage of it. Anyhow, whatever. With a sorer heart but wiser head, I'm moving on.

 

God I missed Blogging so much.

 

Breathe, Leigh. You're hyperventilating. Don’t exaggerate. Duh. I'm always exaggerating. Hello.

 

Let me list down a few things that I must do.

 

Resign. Yep. Again. (Ei, gimme’ some credit. Resigning from the same company. Stupid me. Should’ve never came back in the first place. *Sigh* yeah, I don’t deserve any credit.) Way too tired of the politics. Gotta get out before my soul gets completely sucked away. Aye, this time I decided to finally stop existing and start living for a change. Uh-huh. Walk the walk this time. *wink wink, junior* So I gotta save me some heart. But I have to stay till the end of month to save some money. Ei, as much as I am being idealistic, I still have a firm grasp of reality. I need money to live. I need money to survive. Max time of staying with the hospital would be the 15^th of April. No more than that. Enough of my idiotic attachment to it. I wanna have a fresh start at the turn of my year. Geez. I'm turning a year older. Don’t feel like it. ugh.

 

Fresh start. With everything in me. So before I get “too serious” and “too worked up” with all the things that I have to handle in my life, I think I deserve to take some break. Read: Vacation! On the 16^th of April, I'd be going to Cebu. Then Blaise and I will go to Bohol for a week off. *wahaha!!!! Finally!! Am way too excited!!!* (btw, my condolences to the victims of food poisoning. sad.) One week. One week of pure, unadulterated fun. God, I can already feel the ocean breeze on my cheeks. Hmmm. Gotta’ focus for one more month. After that, oh hell, wherever the winds will take me. wahuhuhu. Can't stop thinking about the beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. The beach. Wahuhuhuhu. Kind of hard to control the anticipation building inside me. syeetttt…. Panglao, you just wait!!! –* my never ending thank you to Mod who made all of it possible.*

 

I've been sending out resumés and TOR’s the entire month. And I plan to send out more. I have pending applications outside. I'm wishing real hard to get it. I just had enough of PI. Don’t get me wrong, don’t measure my patriotism with that. I love this country so much I can practically swear my life to prove it. But opportunities are way too few if not non-existent. I have simple dreams. But even that “simple dreams” can't be provided by this country. Or the freaking government, rather. *sigh* And I am running out of time. I can no longer sit around and wait. I'm sorry.

 

Realize my plans.

 

I just wanna lead a simple life. One that will let me get by and still leave me some spare change.

 

Plan1: send my brother to college. Provide for him till he graduates. See to it that he gets everything he needs. That he experience things I never experienced. I want my parents to just sit back and relax this time. They’ve already had their fair share of load when I was still in school. I just want them to.. experience life while they still have the time. They're not getting any younger. I want to see them happy and worry-free.

 

Plan2: build them a house. Nothing grand. Just a simple house in the province. I know that’s where their hearts are. So is mine. A simple life; slow paced, relaxed, stress-free. Just a simple house that they can really call home.

 

Plan3: start a small business for them. I really have no vision of us staying in Manila. It’s all in the province. Perhaps a stall in the mercado. Support my father’s koprahan. Poultry. Bigasan. Buy a boat and have someone manage it for fishing. Buy a jeep and have someone drive it. kahit trisikad.

 

As I said, nothing grand. Just something that can help them get by everyday but still manage to save some for the rainy days. Just have enough fall back.

 

Plan4: save money for myself. For a house. A small business. Plans I have for my family, I also have for myself. Again, just simple things. I don’t need a mansion. Ain't dreaming for that. Not any of those teeny-weeny sports car. Just enough to give me the security I need when I start getting old and feeble. After all, when that time comes, I can rely on no one but me. So I just have to save for the future.

 

If I can manage to squeeze in some “studying” during the course of time that I'm actually pursuing those plans, It would really make me happy. I want to earn two to three more degrees. I want to be able to finally take up Creative Writing and Comparative Literature. Sociology or Psychology, perhaps. Anthropology. The likes. I want to learn “languages”. French. Spanish. Italian. German. Japanese. I want to be able to play the guitar well. Perfect even just one song. I'd like to learn how to draw. I wanna learn “shadows and shadings”. I want to dabble more on animations. Learn how to use 3d-max and the likes. Before I die, I would really love it if I can make even just a 5-minute strip of animation. In the Finding Nemo level. I want to learn how to bake properly. I want to learn how to swim and scuba dive. I want to learn pottery. Or anything using clay. I want to learn how to dance. And dance without any care. I want to study photography. I want to capture “feelings” and “emotions”. I want to freeze “moments” for future recollections. I want to learn how to write. *sighs* I just want to… live.

 

I'd really love it if I can have a foundation. One that’ll take care of streetchildren and old people at the same time. And one that’ll provide scholarships to kids who have the passion to study but don’t have the means to.

 

But wants would always come after needs.

 

And here’s the icing in the cake:

 

Travel. Go to Paris. Stand on top of the Eiffel Tower at night while watching the blinking lights of the city below. Go to Louvre and see all those magnificent paintings up close. Visit all the tombs in it. Go to Italy and see all the famous cathedrals, artworks and sculptures. Go to Egypt and be amazed by all those pyramids and hieroglyphs. Go Australia and dive at the Great Barrier Reef. Go to New Zealand and see through Tolkien’s mind. (Or Jackson’s) Go to Africa and study its culture and people. Stay for a week in North Pole and sleep in an igloo. And more importantly, visit every nook and cranny of PI. *sigh*

 

Enough. Gotta stop all these delusions. Stick to the plan. At least I know where I'm going. All I need now is the means to do so.

 

So help me God.

For someone who has been labeled as rational and systematic, I seem to be doing a lot of stupid things lately. *Sighs* On the contrary, perhaps I'm just being too rational. Too pragmatic for my own good. Hell, I am being logical for everybody’s sake. For them all’s freakin sake.

 

Do I sound bitter? Perhaps I do because I am.

 

It is your choice. You did that to yourself. You can blame no one but you.

 

I know. I am not blaming anyone. I hold myself responsible for all my actions and decisions. And I don’t have any regrets for doing them. I am the person that I am because of my past. And I know I made a lot of people happy by so doing.

 

But are you happy?

 

*Long pause* … I love them …

 

Are you happy?

 

It was never a question of whether I am happy or not. I mean, hah! What is happiness anyway? It was never an issue of self. My time has never been my time as my life was never mine.

 

But.. WHY?

 

Because. Period. Some things are beyond explanation.

 

Have you any idea how much of a quitter you are? Coward.

 

Am I? Interesting. The coin will always have two sides as a glass of water can either be viewed as half-full or half-empty. Cowardice and courage, how do you define the two? Holding on or letting go, which is harder? Staying or leaving? Standing still and taking it all in or fighting back, shouting profanities and waving your fist in retaliation? Staying strong or renouncing strength? Which is which really?

 

All my life I have lived for everyone but me. I resigned myself to the idea that this is as good as it gets. A life filled with obligations, an existence comprised of promises. A soul bounded by dictates, a heart tied by “righteousness”.

 

Their happiness. Their peace. Their joy. Their success. Their security. Your not whining because you don’t like what you're doing. In reality, it does bring a smile to your lips everytime you're making them happy. But are you happy in totality?

 

I may be accused of having a “Messiah complex”. I may look as if I'm playing God. Martyrdom. Trying for heroic roles. I have thought of all of that. But tell me, are you not willing to sacrifice your happiness for the people that you love? Are you not willing to conform if that’s what will give peace to everyone?

 

I don’t understand. If I have truly given up, why am I still asking these questions? Why am I still thinking these thoughts? If I have grown completely numb, why can I still feel pain?

 

The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one person – Anonymous

 

But if I do still have hope, why can I not believe in that? How can I be optimistic if I have already grown jaded?

 

I don’t understand.

 

Why does life have to be complicated? Why do I have to be complicated? Why can't I just stop thinking?

 

I don’t understand.

1.      I was born on the 27^th day of April year 1982 at exactly 1 am. It was one hell of a struggle. A long one as well. I refused to get out. It took them a day and a half’s labor to finally persuade me to join this planet. Geez, bad move. *wahaha*

 

2.      As I said, I refused to live. I had little faith in this life. Doctors still can't detect my heartbeat even if my mother was already on her 5^th month pregnancy. Then she almost miscarried during the 6^th month. On my 2^nd birthday, I was at the hospital. Every vein in my body hooked in dextrose. LBM. Doctor even suggested to hook the veins in my head to dextrose since supplements coming from previous ones are not enough. My parents didn’t agree. Now you know why I'm stubborn.

 

3.      I've been to 11 schools in my entire scholastic career. Long story. But bottom line is: Gypsy.

 

4.      I've lived in 12 houses (that explains the school) and yet, never found home. Almost found one, but just as I was about to embrace it, slipped out of my grasp. I lost it even before I had it. (story of my life. ain't surprising.)

 

5.      Molded in the confines of a library. Mother had a BSE in Library Science. No yaya’s. So I tagged along with her on my growing years. (i.e. growing years = thumb-sucking years.) Got my early dose of books. No wonder I'm addicted to them now.

 

6.      Started schooling at the age of six just like most people. Only difference is that the school wouldn’t let me in. No idea as to why. Perhaps they had a premonition of the possible havoc I will cause. Hmmm. Interesting.

 

7.      I hated math. Abhorred it so much during grade school the thought of it gave me the shivers. How ironic that I started loving it in college. Especially Algebra and Trigonometry. Weird.

 

8.      I am a frustrated doctor, painter, musician, writer, scientist and engineer. I took up civil engineering during my first taste of college. But since I'm never good in Drawing (I work dirty) and since I'm waray and my Trigo teacher is harassing me for being one (he’s an upper class officer of S.I [samahang ilokano], the greatest adversary of S.B [samahang bisaya] where I was being recruited as a member), I quit and took up an I.T course instead. Not to mention change schools.

 

9.      I am well liked. I have no idea why but people seem to gravitate towards me. I think they somehow mistook me for a dog. *wahaha* So they have this tendency to pet me then order me to do things. Hmm. How apt.

 

10.  I have an issue with confidence. HUGE issue. My self-esteem is quite non-existent. I’ve always had an inferiority complex. Stop arguing about that. I know what I should do but things are always easier said than done.

 

11.  I love watching people. I have always preferred to be in the sidelines and watch rather than be in the spotlight. I prefer being the spectator.

 

12.  I am a huge fan of animations. Whether it’s plain cartoons or animés or 3-d’s. I love it. I am a child at heart. I look so stupid when I'm watching them because I can't stop laughing out loud. But hell, I am enjoying myself so there’s no problem really.

 

13.  I cried like silly after watching Finding Nemo, Monster’s Inc. and Ice Age. And I'm laughing like crazy everytime I'm seeing Cyndi Kurleto act in the telenovela Forever in my heart. Don’t get me wrong, she's one gorgeous babe definitely, but her acting? Uh, next do you know, please.

 

14.  I am a movie addict. I eat books. And I will die without music. They’re what makes this world bearable.

 

15.  My fave cartoon character is Wile E. Coyote. And Taz – before everybody started making him their favorite. After that, I stopped liking him.

 

16.  Obviously, I am a non-conformist.

 

17.  I wanna be able to play the guitar like Jimi Hendrix. Gusto kong matutong magpa-iyak ng gitara.

 

18.  I always test people. Regardless of what the results would be. I just want to know the what if’s scenarios. And I want to see their reactions and response. When I was in college, I was tempted to dye my hair electric blue. Then line my ears with 5 studs. Pierce my eyebrows and my tongue. And don the complete pangkista get-up. Fortunately for the school, my family and friends, I haven't had the luck to acquire myself a blue dye. I don’t wanna settle for violet. I prefer it electric blue. I kid you not. I just wanna know if people will look at me in the same manner if I am a punk who could actually ace the entire final exams. I like messing up with their heads.

 

19.  I abhor naggers. LOATHE it with a PASSION. And I hate being controlled and monitored. I am a free soul and I want to remain one. I am craving for freedom. It’s my next goal, actually. Rid myself of the shackle society and instilled obligations imposed on me. Then fly.

 

20.  I don’t believe in destiny, marriage, courtship and religion among a few things. And I believe that every living thing in this world have feelings.

 

21.  I plan to get myself a tattoo and piercings. “Plan” being the operative word.

 

22.  Music box makes me feel sad. Music coming from them slowly breaks my heart. Dunno why.

 

23.  I'm scared of movies with dolls. Chuckie and I go a long way. *bwahaha* aye, child’s play, peeps.

 

24.  I love pineapples. I can devour 3 whole pineapples in one sitting.

 

25.  I am a superman fanatic. Once in my childhood-demented stage, I actually thought he’s for real. Yes, I guess it’s quite obvious that I'm also gullible. Sheesh.

 

26.  Anyone who thinks that sunshine is happiness has never danced in the rain. I am an optimist. And I love rain. Literally and figuratively. Perhaps it can be said that I am also a masochist.

 

27.  I'm dead scared of mirrors. Or anything that will register my image. But I love pictures and images. As long as it’s not mine. And I prefer it black and white.

 

28.  I have a 5-second memory retention span. It’s like this, if I am a sim card, after 3 messages I'd already be displaying the warning “no space for new messages”.

 

29.  I'm not really narcissistic. I just realized these things about me as well. Hmm. Interesting.

 

30.  I have given up my happiness 10 years ago. I am not living. I'm merely existing.